a spinster
About the author
the day I signed the papers I rushed to the quaint little yellow house I just bought and put down the welcome mat. my sister took a picture as I put the key in the lock for the first time as a homeowner. we went inside to have a look around, to giggle at the reality that this place was my very own! and then a half-naked crack whore came out of the bedroom closet.I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
She nodded, and even as her mind warned her against him, she was held by her own curiosity and his curious charm. He was as impossibly beyond her reach as a planet in the sky, but never had she felt so fascinated by anyone. He looked like no other man she had ever seen, and he had a way of speaking that made his slightest remark seem significant.
Today, my friend let me borrow her sixth Harry Potter book after she read it. When I got to the end at two o’ clock in the morning on a school night, I called her, sobbing. All she could make out was “Dumbledore.” She walked to my house in the rain in her pajamas to console me. That’s a true friend. MLIA
Clean Off
Thinking of the things you said to me always either tugs at my heartstrings or makes me feel like I need to take a shower.
I love him, I love him, ran the patter of her lips
And she formed his name on her tongue and sang
And she sent him word she loved him so much,
So much, and death was nothing; work, art, home,
All was nothing if her love for him was not first
Of all; the patter of her lips ran, I love him,
I love him; and he knew the doors that opened
Into doors and more doors, no end of doors,
And full length mirrors doubling and tripling
The apparitions of doors: circling corridors of
Looking glasses and doors, some with knobs, some
With no knobs, some opening slow to a heavy push,
And some jumping open at a touch and a hello.
And he knew if he so wished he could follow her
Swift running through circles of doors, hearing
Sometimes her whisper, I love him, I love him,
And sometimes only a high chaser of laughter
Somewhere five or ten doors ahead or five or ten
Doors behind, or chittering h-st, h-st, among corners
Of the tall full-length dusty looking glasses.
I love, I love, I love, she sang short and quick in
High thin beaten soprano and he knew the meanings,
The high chaser of laughter, the doors on doors
And the looking glasses, the room to room hunt,
The ends opening into new ends always.
take another little piece of my heart
- him: it's because you're in love with me.
- me: yes, yes I am.
- him: isn't that crazy?
- me: it is.
- him: but you know what? I may not be *in* love with you, but I do love you.
- me: oh yeah right.
- him: no, I do. you've been a very good friend to me over the last year and a half. I love you.
Judah, 5 years ago (via This Year’s Love)
ah, mein klein Süße!
(ah, my little sweetheart!)
Today, 12.02.2009, marks five years with you, Judah.
How did I ever get on without you?
How did I ever know what love was before you came into my life?
I love every hair, every whisker, every scar. You are my reason for existing. The thought of a world without you brings tears to my eyes.
I will love you until my dying breath. You know how special you are to me—how special you are to everyone who meets you.
You are loved.
You are love.
Five years — please stay for many, many more. Endless years. I can’t live without you. I couldn’t bear it.
I could not love you more if I had given birth to you myself. I longed for a dog of my own for 18 years. That cold day in December we picked you up from a stranger’s house, your belly was swollen with worms, you had bald patches from flea nests. Dad threw a fit when we brought you home—unannounced. The next morning he came to say hello to you. He played with you on the floor. He snuck you scraps of food when I wasn’t looking.
And they all came to love you. You are special, one-of-a-kind.
My family asks for you to come visit. They say goodbye to you first when we leave. Anamarie once heard a strange message on their answering machine where she thought she heard me say your name—right away she called me to make sure you were all right.
Almost a year ago Israel and Shifra attacked you for the second time. That night was the worst night of my life. I could not stop crying, I could not stop keening in agony at the pain you were put through. I remember protecting you and you biting my hand, not knowing it was me. I remember calling to you in the dark and seeing you limp towards me through the snow, your front leg torn open. The guilt I felt…the agony that you were in was my own.
That night when I picked you up from the emergency vet by myself the doctor handed your leash to me, looked in the eye and told me, “She is an amazing dog. Take care of her.”
We walked out to the car, you limped on the cast put around your leg and I wondered if I could run away with you. I didn’t want to go home. I couldn’t face the others, I couldn’t face the reality of you getting hurt and losing Shifra too.
You were always so strong—even only hours after they wanted to kill you, you cried on the other side of the baby gate wanting to be with them. I slept in the front room on the couch, you were on a pile of blankets, a space heater pointed at you to keep you warm.
And you cried. You cried! You never whine, or cry, or show pain. But you cried in your sleep even though I gave you pain killers. I don’t know if I slept that night—I lay on the couch with my arm draped over the side, my hand on your shoulder and only then did you quiet down and sleep.
You and I have been through everything. When the cat was killed, you knew how upset I was. You went outside with me to lay in the grass and you comforted me.
I can only hope and pray that you will be here when I have children. I don’t want to have children that won’t know you growing up. They should know how wonderful you are.
Never leave me. Stay forever, Judah Rhiannon Intisar Anchoret.
Judah, because you are to be praised.
Rhiannon, because you are a queen.
Intisar, because you are my triumph.
Anchoret, because you are much loved.
Love always,
Mama
Higher Power
You’re my bad habit. I know it, you know it. Only eleven steps more to go.
I dreamed a dream.
I remember listening to this song when I first got the Les Miserables soundtrack many years ago. I loved it then—never knowing how very much I could relate to it later in life.
There was a time, when men were kind
And their voices were soft
And their words were inviting
There was a time, when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time it all went wrong
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they turn your hope apart
As they turn your dreams to shame
He slept a summer by my side
He filled my dreams with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came
And still I dream he’d come to me
That we would live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from the hell I’m living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed
featuring original composition by Fuschia Foot & The Private Speye’s.
