hold heart don’t beat so loud (via This Year’s Love)
yesterday was one year since Shifra attacked Judah the first time. I ended up talking and thinking about it without realizing it until now that it was the anniversary.
I miss Shifra. I love her still. It’s lessened somewhat—the pain. Time does heal. It doesn’t erase, but it helps.
The other morning when Israel was outside and Judah was on the couch where I could see her, I heard Israel go beserk at the neighbor dogs through the fence. The intensity and violence in his outburst was so like the two attacks that the memory almost made me black out. Normally I’m okay and I don’t dwell on it anymore like I used to. It was burned into my brain for several months. I’d be afraid to go home even after Shifra was gone.
I used to think I was so strong. That I could conquer anything. That was before I ever experienced real life, real stress, real worries and real heartbreak. I’ve come to realize I am so much weaker than the rest because I can’t distance myself from strong emotion—if I let it in. If I don’t let it in, then I am cut off from reality and can stay in my little bubble of loneliness. I don’t know how to do both.
I never used to be that way. I really don’t think so. I was just miserable all the time—now I’m miserable because I know what it feels like to be happy and it’s so hard to not be happy all the time.
WHEN WILL LIFE EVER MAKE SENSE?!
“The world breaks everyone and afterward some are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good, and the very gentle, and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too, but there will be no special hurry.” - Hemingway
