some things never change
I wrote this several years ago. I came across it in the middle of the night. It made me cry because nothing has changed.
I had a dream that I knew Beth in person. I was in the car with my mom, we were driving out of the parking lot of the tiny Wal-Mart in Blue Earth. The sky was grey. I could see the faded parking space lines painted on the asphalt.
I began telling my mom about what had happened the day before. Beth and I were in a classroom type setting with a bunch of other people, but I don’t know if we were in school. All of a sudden I stand up. I can see myself instead of seeing the room through my own eyes. I’m wearing a little black dress, the fabric light and airy, and see-through but it’s ruched up and down the entire dress, bunching the fabric together to make it opaque. I have long, straight, shiny black hair with choppy ends and jagged bangs that looked ultra chic.
I had a light tan, my makeup was perfect, I had on a silver bracelet, a silver necklace, dangly earrings. I had a perfect nose and perfect face, a perfect body. My legs looked as long as a country mile shown off by the short skirt of the dress, along with the spike heels I was sporting.
I made some comments about why I liked this one boy that was an outcast, putting him down at the same time I was trying to say that I was befriending him almost out of pity.
I was gorgeous. I was trim and fit. I had awesome boobs that were plumped up by the tight, strapless bodice of the dress.
After rambling on, seemingly because I liked the sound of my own voice, I gave a pretty smile and sat down.
I hated myself in the dream. The attitude I had. The way I looked at people and spoke at them, not to them.But then…Beth stood up and in her hand was a piece of paper. A letter she had written about me.
She read from it, berating my selfish demeanor…and then saying, “But that’s not the real Rebekah. That’s only a facade she presents to everyone, to protect herself. The real Rebekah isn’t selfish, mean, or cruel. The Rebekah I know is a wonderful person, afraid to be herself because she wants people to love her…but she doesn’t want to risk having her heart broken.”I told my mother about this in the car in the dream, and my voice was surprised and I quickly covered that all up by laughing at Beth and saying how silly she was to say those things, since she had to be lying to suck up to me or something….
Even in my dreams, I will never be happy.
