Judah, 5 years ago (via This Year’s Love)

ah, mein klein Süße!
(ah, my little sweetheart!)

Today, 12.02.2009, marks five years with you, Judah.

How did I ever get on without you?
How did I ever know what love was before you came into my life?

I love every hair, every whisker, every scar. You are my reason for existing. The thought of a world without you brings tears to my eyes.

I will love you until my dying breath. You know how special you are to me—how special you are to everyone who meets you.

You are loved.

You are love.

Five years — please stay for many, many more. Endless years. I can’t live without you. I couldn’t bear it.

I could not love you more if I had given birth to you myself. I longed for a dog of my own for 18 years. That cold day in December we picked you up from a stranger’s house, your belly was swollen with worms, you had bald patches from flea nests. Dad threw a fit when we brought you home—unannounced. The next morning he came to say hello to you. He played with you on the floor. He snuck you scraps of food when I wasn’t looking.
And they all came to love you. You are special, one-of-a-kind.

My family asks for you to come visit. They say goodbye to you first when we leave. Anamarie once heard a strange message on their answering machine where she thought she heard me say your name—right away she called me to make sure you were all right.

Almost a year ago Israel and Shifra attacked you for the second time. That night was the worst night of my life. I could not stop crying, I could not stop keening in agony at the pain you were put through. I remember protecting you and you biting my hand, not knowing it was me. I remember calling to you in the dark and seeing you limp towards me through the snow, your front leg torn open. The guilt I felt…the agony that you were in was my own.
That night when I picked you up from the emergency vet by myself the doctor handed your leash to me, looked in the eye and told me, “She is an amazing dog. Take care of her.”
We walked out to the car, you limped on the cast put around your leg and I wondered if I could run away with you. I didn’t want to go home. I couldn’t face the others, I couldn’t face the reality of you getting hurt and losing Shifra too.
You were always so strong—even only hours after they wanted to kill you, you cried on the other side of the baby gate wanting to be with them. I slept in the front room on the couch, you were on a pile of blankets, a space heater pointed at you to keep you warm.
And you cried. You cried! You never whine, or cry, or show pain. But you cried in your sleep even though I gave you pain killers. I don’t know if I slept that night—I lay on the couch with my arm draped over the side, my hand on your shoulder and only then did you quiet down and sleep.

You and I have been through everything. When the cat was killed, you knew how upset I was. You went outside with me to lay in the grass and you comforted me.

I can only hope and pray that you will be here when I have children. I don’t want to have children that won’t know you growing up. They should know how wonderful you are.

Never leave me. Stay forever, Judah Rhiannon Intisar Anchoret.

Judah, because you are to be praised.
Rhiannon, because you are a queen.
Intisar, because you are my triumph.
Anchoret, because you are much loved.

Love always,

Mama

3 months ago  /  1 note  /  Comments