Because it does get worse.
Work was long but it went quickly. I think I’m becoming numb to the nimrod flitting around. It felt so strange to have two days in a row off. Is this how most people function? I’m not about to give it up tho. I like only working five days a week.
I have no money. If I mail my water bill, pay my sewage/garbage disposal bill, and my credit card payment of $33 dollars goes through before I deposit my next check, chances are I’ll be in the red big time. I am so fucked it’s not even funny. But how did it get like this? I hate to even think about it. The paycuts, going to part time, the cost of living soaring. I can’t even qualify for assistance even though making ends meet is impossible.
I don’t want to think about it anymore. There’s dog food, that’s all that matters. “Think of all the money you’d save if you didn’t have your dogs to feed!” yeah, because I would be six feet under. Do you honestly think I would have made it through until 2009 if I didn’t have Judah? The answer is a big fat no. I would have killed myself. It’s still an ever present thought without any sign of hope or relief as far as finances because every where I turn there’s just more shit I have to pay for. I think I made maybe $1000 in the last two months. Not that great when my heating bill is fucking ridiculous at $200 and my mortgage went up to $425 (I know, paltry, but still, it was not the greatest when it went up by $100 and I took a paycut the same month).
But I’m kind of sick of wondering what I’m going to do next. Does it even really matter?? I have no choices, no hope for anything. My tax refund is a joke. It won’t even cover my mortgage.
I’m returning a $20 rug that I bought. Back in the day a $20 rug would have been the last thing I would ever worry about. Now I don’t even have $100 in my bank account with the promise of a $200 paycheck that I have to cash if I want to see that money. So that $20 rug is worth a lot more than if was two years ago.
I haven’t found that “it can only get better” is true. I find the opposite to be the case. It can get worse and most of the time it does.
